The second time round I was completely terrified. I kept reading this poem about my daughter never feeling like a baby again and I would cry at the thought. With my daughter I completely surprised myself how much I loved being a Mum. I had never been remotely maternal but from the moment I met her I knew I wanted to do it again and again. I remember thinking, why does everyone always tell you how hard this is? If I knew how happy she would have made me I would never have put this off.
I was 31 when I had my first child and I just thought she was going to ruin my perfect life. My relationship with my husband changed drastically as I had found someone I loved more than him and, at first, leaving my baby and making time for him felt like a real chore. Second time round, sadly the things I worried about were true, my daughter really struggled with having a brother. He’s just turned 9 months and I think this week was the first time she cuddled him. She was extremely emotional, and it was completely exhausting trying to make sure she always felt happy and included. The second I put the baby down I was trying to be the enthusiastic, fun Mum, and doing everything I could to lessen the guilt I felt about turning her whole world upside down.
My little boy didn’t get any of the endless cuddles on the sofa she did, as I was worried it would upset her if I was spending too much time with him. Fortunately, this appears to have made him a very easy baby but back then it was another worry, another pressure I was putting on myself to make every second count with him, when she was at nursery.
Time obviously passes and although she still sometimes asks for a sister, and I still sometimes feel like I need to split myself in 2, nothing makes me happier than when she is making him laugh, and my little boy is completely obsessed with his big sister. She secretly loves how much he adores her and she loves to run in and get that first smile from him when he wakes up. He has also taught me that she doesn’t need 100% of my attention and I wonder if she would have learnt to play so beautifully on her own if she hadn’t had to share me with her brother.
I really treasure the time I get when they are playing together, and I also love it when it’s just me and her or me and him and I get to just love and laugh and squeeze them. I’m so relieved I have him to soften the blow when she goes to school next year, and I know he will get all the quality time I worry he missed when I was pulled in every direction. I still find getting 2 kids ready for a day out incredibly stressful but I’m starting to let go of the idea that I am ever going to be that organised Mum, packed lunches and healthy snacks are a thing of the past.
After having one, I wanted a million kids. I was more traumatised going from one to two as that third child still feels completely terrifying and overwhelming. My husband says absolutely not, but for me never say never. The thought of never having another baby and never going through all the highs again terrifies me nearly as much as the thought of going through my worst days again. Days when they were both crying, and I was trying to cook dinner and tidy the house as I didn’t want my husband to come home and see the chaos of our day.
Thinking back to that, the house doesn’t feel that messy now and the days don’t feel so busy. Writing this has really reminded me of how things were and makes me appreciate how much we have found our new rhythm. I’m not sure when but I’ve definitely taken the pressure off. The tantrums have subsided and my home, although not calm, is a house I don’t feel like I need to escape like I did in the early days.