I came across this Mum Martyr term this week on Pandora Sykes Podcast about rethinking self care and it really has just made me reframe how I look after me. There are so may things I worry about I know my husband wouldn't even give a second thought and although I do know I unfairly carry the mental load it was helpful to be reminded I have some control over this.
It reminded me how much I feel a need to talk about how much I have don't in a day, and ho I feel if I'm not so exhausted I pass out the second my head hits the pillow I could have done more. My friend surprised me this week and I was sitting on the sofa drinking a cup of tea while both kids were napping when she popped in. Rather than just enjoy that lovely moment I had to justify how much I had got done and explain the baby was unwell so was having an extra-long nap.
"Mothers have martyred themselves in their children's names since the beginning of time. We have lived as if she who disappears the most, loves the most. We have been conditioned to prove our love by slowly ceasing to exist. Glennon Doyle, Untamed
As a family worker, I have seen first-hand how much women can lose themselves in the process of having children, and when I was pregnant with my daughter I was so focused on not letting that happen, but I can definitely see how after 2 children I'm slipping back into that need to feel I've sacrificed everything before I get a bit of time for me. Being from Brighton where attachment parenting is huge for my demographic in those early days I often felt really judged for not breastfeeding and I was lucky enough to have a lot of help with my daughter. "Maximal parental empathy and responsiveness and continuous bodily closeness and touch" Felt so critical of my parenting style and belief that a happy Mum would lead to a happy baby. No one told my husband he needed to be with our daughter 24 hours a day, no one judged him for going back to work full time when she was 2 weeks old, but I know I felt some shame for even going out for dinner when she was very small, to the point where I would avoid any Mum in a baby group I thought would judge that.
On one hand, being a martyr is about experiencing pain and destroying yourself for the sake of others. On the other hand, it's about seeking glory, and paradoxically, your glory is in your smallness. Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, M.D.
The idea we put a lot of this on ourselves and we do have some control over what is basically Mum guilt can really be an empowering message which helps us to see we can change things. Even if you are good at making time for yourself are you feeling guilty about it, are you forcing yourself to do it because you think it will make you feel better and then just feeling even more overwhelmed before or after.
Look at things you do that make your life really hard and see if there are any options to make them easier. If you want to go for lunch with your friends and your kids won't sit still can you give them an iPad without feeling guilty that you should be engaging every second they are awake? (Quick reminder no Mum can be enthusiastic for 12 hours a day, and a chat with a good friend might give you the boost you need).
If you're really tired do you need to cook your child a fresh meal every day, I'm sure you're not eating nutritious food at every meal, so why are we so hung up on it for our kids. ( no child has ever died from eating a fish finger).
Put yourself first is about recharging your batteries, if you feel like you haven't got time to do that try and think of small ways to make time. A small change I made was not trying to have dinner with my children everyday. Feeding a baby and a fussy toddler I barely even get to taste my food and dinner when they are in bed means me and my husband actually get to have a conversation. Mondays and Thursdays we now have family dinners, and I cant explain how much pressure that took off me. Getting dinner ready everyday with 2 hungry kids crying by 5pm before my husband was home from work to distract them was literally pushing me over the edge.
Guilt is not about the choice in front of you. It's simply a familiar place for your brain to go. Guilt does not need to be your compass. It can just be a feeling that's there.
If you want to fully understand how maternal martyrdom is impacting your life try keeping a running log of specific situations in which you've gone to stressful lengths for your family or partner?
Write down if your efforts were acknowledged and make note of how long any feelings of appreciation lasted.
Then, keep track of how you felt about yourself after the event and any changes in behaviour toward your family.
We all resent when we are not being appreciated and we take that resentment out on the people closest to us.
Make a separate list for instances in which you make a point to take a shortcut, and keep track of your thoughts and feelings, and most importantly your family's response as well.
Practice looking at your weekly schedule and finding one situation, however small, where you can exert control and communicate your boundaries.
Making micro-decisions that lead you to a sense of relief in your body, for example, when faced with whether to bake for a school trip or spend the evening watching your favourite Netflix show are great opportunities to take a minute and pay attention to your body. Which option leads to a release of tension in your shoulders? Or is associated with a sigh of relief in your throat? Choose the option that makes your body feel more relaxed. These small steps each build on the other. The more connected you feel to your body, the easier it is to make larger decisions from a place of clarity.
What a terrible burden for children to bear—to know that they are the reason their mother stopped living. What a terrible burden for our daughters to bear—to know that if they choose to become mothers, this will be their fate, too. Glennon Cole